In my role in a small company I wear many hats. Primarily I am technical and do software engineering. I also play benefits manager, general HR, assist in business development, and as the title might suggest, recruiter.

Since I am technical I receive a lot of recruitment emails, texts, and phone calls. With all of the messages that I receive I have put together a collection of real-world things that recruiters do which instantly turn me off. I preset this, by way of sarcasm, as a to-do guide.

The Tongue In Cheek Guide To Hiring #

Do Not Read The Resume #

There are some vaguely technical keywords in there, which is obviously what your search triggered on. Why waste time reading the resume? The candidate can read your job description and see if it applies to themselves so that you don’t have to. Your time is way more valuable and you shouldn’t be bothered with words anyway. Aren’t you late for your golf game?

Stability? Benefits? Ha! Candidates Seek Adventure! #

You actually took more than 10 seconds to read a resume. Pat yourself on the back; you’ve done your job. It looks like that candidate has spent the last 6 years at the same employer, so it’s time to offer them some excitement. Clearly their life has become stagnant with all of those “benefits.” Offer them an hourly 1099 contract job with a rate that would make fast food workers laugh. For 6-12 months. In another state.

Pay Rate Is Just a Number #

What in the world does being a senior developer with 20 years experience matter? You need a test technician yesterday. Clearly they have the skills, so they will thank you for offering them a job that is well beneath their skill and pay level.

Old Resumes Are Like Fine Aged Milk #

Just like milk becomes better with age, so does a resume. Go ahead and mine the archives of the internet. Any resume you find there is fair game! Found one that is 15 years old! Excellent! That means that they must not have much experience and you can offer them a low paying job. If they really cared they would have sent you an updated resume.

Use The Canned Linkedin Connection Message #

You are very busy! Take care of yourself. There is a reason that LinkedIn offers canned messages, so just go ahead and use them. Make sure to randomly connect to everyone. Surely someone with more time than you will read your magnificent company information and contact you, begging to come work for you.

Be Blissfully Ignorant Of Time #

You’ve got a position to fill! Your candidates should not deign to work during the day. Make sure you call and text them, a lot, in the middle of the work day. Attention to you is top priority. Your candidates will have their attention stealing cell phone with them at all times and will drop everything at a moments notice to answer an unknown caller in front of their boss. Make sure to also text them after calling, as text is how all professionals hire.

Use Your New Best Friend For Referrals #

You did it! You sent them an email with all of the wonderful things there are about the job. Make sure you let them know that they are in no way special and you don’t actually care if they take a job with you. Milk them for all they are worth. Get them to refer all of their friends to you, an unknown entity.

Careers Are For Losers! #

You want a warm body. The job requisition is all that matters. Push and sell that requisition. They have no need to know of trivial drivel like your company name, or benefits, or history. The job requisition is king and all that matters.

Okay, Don’t Actually Do That #

Each of the above “rules” is sadly based on real world experience with recruiters. It really all comes down to some very simple principles:

• Read the resume
• Be respectful of time
• Treat each person as an asset

The recruiters who have been successful in engaging me all did several things right.

First and foremost, good recruiters have an understanding that positions come and go. People move around in a company. A top notch company culture is far more important than the position of the week. They sell me on the company.

It’s also very obvious whether or not a recruiter has a grasp of the industry and your particular skill set. Even from initial emails I can tell, if what they say is tailored to me and not just a canned spew of text.

I understand that recruiters have families, friends, and lives outside of work. But unfortunately for them after-hours is the best time to talk to people. Respecting my time and my obligation to my employer goes a long way.

Finally, this is about making a personal connection. When I see a line like “if you aren’t interested but you know someone who is then please send them my way,” my reaction is that this person just wants a warm body, not me. A recruiting email is not a place to ask for a referral. It’s a place to show that you value people as individuals.